Weeping Clouds

Only weeping clouds create rainbows and they share them with us all.

The first half of this revelation came to me a month or so ago. As I pondered those I loved who experienced depression. You cannot open yourself up to loving this world deeply without opening yourself up to great sorrow and yet we pathologise, blame and marginalise those who's emotions are in align with the reality of the pain of life.

The last few days I've been thinking about those weeping clouds sharing those rainbows. 

For the majority of my life I have deeply cared about people who were blue. I have learnt and benefited so much from them. What you gain from living closely to people who live in colder emotional climates is hard to pin down. But recently I have started to realize how deep my debt is to them. Like any diversity issue we all stand to gain by a more inclusive culture.

I am humbled by their courage to get up each day and face the world. It teaches me about the strength of human character resolve and will. I have never done anything close to approaching that much overcoming. I give up at the first hurdle and take one of the many other options available to the privileged emotionally typical.

I am grounded by their different energies. The slowness of movement, thought and communication forces me to slow down to consider more deeply what I'm saying to reach out further and therefore to reach deeper into myself, my motives, it causes me to pause, to reflect.

The turmoil of anxiety sharpens me stops me running away from things I've thrown aside as unimportant, skiped over neglected.

The fear of social engagement checks the frivolous interactions I have with people without the care and thought due in the sacred moment of engaging with another human being.

So from a constantly energetic, self-assured, extrovert to those who have been told their emotions are invalid.

Thank you. 

I have no desire for your suffering but don't for a moment think you don't contribute huge amounts to those around you. You do.

A need for feminist research into neurodiversity

I have been brewing on this blog for a while. To be honest I just want to cry about it all. It all started a few months ago when life just became very very difficult. Not for any massive reason other than a dawning realisation that there are some parts of parenting I am not and probably never will be any good at and then a realisation that my partner was not going to be able to compensate as he too was not particularly good at, what from our point of view are miss-named, 'basic life skills'. 

Things like knowing what day it is, what your meant to be doing, where the nappies are kept, remembering appointments, spare clothes other parents names. I think one of my lowest points was 10 minutes after leaving the house realising I'd forgotten to put trousers on my child. 

The difficulties I've been confronted with in becoming a parent (which I've blogged about here) made me look again at the realities of being dyslexic (and having a very poor short term memory) and lead me to discover the concept of neurodiversity. Viewing my dyslexia/dyspraxia/ADHD as a diversity issue rather than a pathology fits my politics very very well. I started to read up (or more accurately listen up) and became more and more interested in the idea and the potential consequences to policy and practice within education if we adopted a neurodiversity model. I found this film particularly helpful if you have a spare 4 hours!

I tell you all this just as background to another common theme I unearthed. On many many websites I read that dyslexia/dyspraxia/ADHD where more common in boys than girls. I was always going to read such things with caution - and it appears rightly so because while many authoritative individuals and organisations report these claims I also unearthed evidence to the contrary. 

Dyslexia
The dyslexia association website says:
Recent research indicates that boys and girls are equally affected but our data suggests that three times as many boys as girls receive additional teaching because of their dyslexia.

I know my mother had to fight to get my primary schools to take my learning differences seriously. I was incredibly blessed my my secondary school taking it seriously. I've been speaking to other parents of girls who are likewise facing an uphill struggle in their advocacy. Mostly because their daughters are 'well behaved'.

ADHD
Again all over the place it states that boys are more likely to have ADHD than girls. But if you listen to the frustrations of people with ADHD about the policing of their behaviour, the telling off for moving, the admonistrations for not listening (When it's not that your not listening its just your not making eye contact), it is very obvious very quickly that girls with ADHD will have their behaviour doubly policed. 

Then there is this website. Which says it all really - girls internalising and boys externalising. All very depressing.

Dyspraxia 
I found no similar hidden research about dyspraxia, though it may well be out there. However on the list of signs and indicators dislike of team games and sport in general seem most prominent. Doesn't take a lot to hypothesis that it would be quiet probable that this contributes to the great diagnosis in boys. Girls who don't like sport are hardly going to be seen as having specific difficulties.

Autistic Spectrum Disorders 
Now here I really am in the realm of my own theorising. It interests me that their are some quarters that refer to the autistic brain as the extream male brain. Given the above; are we here too either not noticing signs and indicators in girls and women or is the way we raise boys (their is lots of evidence to say we talk to baby boys less, assess their emotions worse, leave them to cry for longer) putting them at greater risk of developing certain difficulties. 

In the four hour video I mentioned earlier it claims that in the states the Neurodiverse are the most over-represented minority group in both the prison population and the unemployed population. If this is true then it needs to be a feminist issue, it is certainly an issue of intersectionality. And if we take a social model of learning disabilities, then we should expect the manifestations of learning differences to appear differently in young men and young women since they very clearly exist in such different environments.

I can't tell you how troubled I am about this, but the intersection of learning differences and gender need to be researched by feminists or we will continue to horribly fail a certain group of girls and young women in the education system. 

I was incredibly lucky. My school invested in me so that the 11 year old with a reading age of 8 and writing age of 7 got to Cambridge I dread to think what would have happened had I not had that. 

Please please somebody do some research and let me know about it.