Ladies (yuk, cringe)

I can't believe I forgot this one on my post about words I don't like maybe because I get told I'm ridiculous every time I gently question its usage. I got an email today informing me that an event I was enquiring about was for ladies only. I cringed. 


So I'm really sorry if this offends anyone (actually I know it will so I want you to know that I do this because I believe it brings greater liberation to women - and transformation is painful) but I have to spell some things out because I am offended by the word Ladies and so are many other's and if the church wants to be an inclusive and welcoming place it needs to drop this language. 


I have no empirical data for this but I feel that there is sometimes an extra over-usage of this word in Christian literature/ events that are about women's equal ability to lead in church. I wonder if its one of the manifestations of our insecurities? We have to continually refer to ourselves as ladies just to make sure everyone's clear that we're still all floral and feminine as we step up into the full humanity Christ offers us. 


I'm assuming this use of the word Ladies is in ignorance of it's history and the passionate advocacy of that great Christian Feminists like Josephine Butler who fought to expose double standards in morality. 


So a brief summary of why we shouldn't use it:


1.) It's used to police women's behaviours
If your a woman can you remember being told to be ladylike when you where little? Or told not to do something because it wasn't ladylike? I think I've proved my point.


2.) It's used to remind women they are the property of men. 


3.) It is something other people assign to you and can strip from you. It is not about your own sense of personhood. This point was most powerfully driven home to me when I was at a women's group and heard a woman respond with much pain at being called a lady. She had clearly been told by others that she had not met the mark and was not a lady.


4.) I guess linked to the above but it's classist. 


5.) It is and has been used to divide women against each other


6.) Much like princess, ladies don't do anything.


7.) It holds us to a demanding moral code not the freedom of grace


8.) God never calls us lady


Someone sent me the link it's fab (http://www.vfa.us/Feminist%20Language.htm) but my two favourite quotes:


"Girls do what their mothers tell them. Ladies do what society tells them. Women make up their own minds" (Karen Kijewski, 1989).


And most importantly for the church:


"There is a difference between women and ladies. The modern parasites made ladies, but God Almighty made women" (Mother Jones, 1912)


Please do not refer to me as a lady.

Words I don't like

There are a number of words and phrases I've been thinking about recently that I don't like so I thought I'd make a record of them here. I would love this to be a growing list and to hear from you about the words and phrases you don't like.

Vulnerable: I always squirm a little bit inside when I hear people described as vulnerable. I've not been able to put my finger on it till recently, but my question is would it in many cases be more accurate to describe 'vulnerable' people as oppressed. Rather than focusing on the abilities and resources of an individual why not focus and name the forces, structures and individuals that cause the situation.

Sex Work: I was just listening to some Christian talks which twice used the term 'sex work'. AHHHHH! I'm sure this was done out of ignorance and not because these people understand the political statement they are making when they use this phrase. Please don't do these oppressed, violated and abused women the massive disservice by calling what they endure work. Equally don't call them prostitutes and blame them I know its longer but women exploited in prostitution, is little effort for you and an enormous validation of their experience.

Political correctness: The only people who ever use this phrase then say something negative. It is an attempt to reword the movement and language of equality to make it something negative. I heard someone on the radio the other day asking if political correctness had gone to far. Well if its gone too far then it was heading in the wrong direction. Anyway no one ever offers a definition of what PC means. Its this nebulous thing that is used to silence just about everything.

'As women we're told we can have it all and we can't': or words to that effect. Why not? Men have, for years been able to have carriers and be fathers, no one ever says they can't or writes countless articles about men who have got exhausted by trying to balance family life and work. Now if they're saying that people can't have everything they want then of course that's true, we all have to make sacrifices and lay down our lives for the sake of others and caring responsibilities put some fairly immediate pressure on us.

'Do you wear the trousers?': Evidently yes, you can see I am (well obviously you as readers can't but the people asking this question can) and that's my husband over there and as you can see he is also wearing trousers. Jesus didn't though he wore long floaty robes and open toed sandals.

What are the words or phrases that irritate you and why?

Porn 2: Why men should be mad

So I wanted to call this post Feminists: a man's best friend, but someone pointed out to me that it could well be read to infer women are dog's which wouldn't be great!. But I just wanted to share with you a couple of things that were said at this amazing conference I was at that have got me thinking.

"Men, feminists are your best friends. We're the ones who don't think your born rapists, we're the ones who don't think you're born murderers. We're the ones who think your fully human."

I know a lot of men who don't feel like this, they feel that feminists hate them, are man eaters, want to castrate them and lock them up. Feminism is a broad group but from my experience this could not be further from the truth, we are talking about a group of people actively opposing violence and de-humanisation it would be a little hypocritical to want to do that to men. The problem lies I think in the fact that mostly there is little conversation between men in general and feminist discourse and what does happen is mediated by the press so that what people fear when they hear 'feminist' (and I have huge numbers of female friends who run from that label) is not feminism but a phantom created by the powers that be because actually they don't want men to realise what feminism is actually saying.

Why? because Patriarchy though it privileges all men all of the time it benefits some men some of the time and harms most men most of the time. Patriarchy is just hierarchy where only men get to be at the top, and only one type of man at that.

The second thing that was said that I wanted to share was this:

"Feminists are the ones who don't think your a life support machine for your penis"

That's what the porn industry thinks of you, it thinks you are a life support machine for your penis and your wallet, and it capitalises on that dark side of all of us that is capable and able to oppress.

It's time to get mad at how the porn industry manipulates and de-humanises you whatever your gender. This is the other thing you should know feminists don't want men to feel rubbish about being a man, we want you to feel good about it, we want you to get mad with us, mad at the dehumanising forces that squeeze us all into little boxes, so that,  in our current context, they can squeeze money out of us.

Men if your mad here's a couple of place you can go:  http://www.antipornmen.org/
http://www.whiteribboncampaign.co.uk/